I just wish that, if you have an issue with me, please tell me.
Don’t act as if nothing is wrong and let me go on thinking everything is awesome. Just fucking tell me when I’m being annoying, a bother, a bitch. Tell me please.
I don’t want to upset people, anger people. I want to make people happy and if there is something that is making someone really upset, I can take a look at it and see if it’s something that I can work on.
Not telling me and pretending it doesn’t exists just hurts. If you don’t want to be my friend, just say so.
It’s not that I love you. I don’t even know what that would feel like, what that would mean. It’s not like I’m falling in love with you. That would be a new experience, a new ride I’m not ready for.
But I really fucking like you. You make my heart feel good and you make it hurt. You make me smile and you make me cry. You make me feel so many emotions and most of them are wonderful.
I just want you to think about me, the way I think about you. I want you to see me. But you can’t. For more than one reason, and I understand.
And I’ll be okay. Being your friend is hard now, yes. But I love our friendship and I care about you so much. Not being your friend would be 1000x worse, than being your friend when I want to kiss your face and I can’t.I’d rather have you in this limited capacity, then not have you at all.
I’m knees-shaking, shortening of breath, lack of eye contact shy. Talking to people I’ve never met makes me feel faint. It’s a trait that has caused me to have a lack of normal social skills. I have few friends because of this. The ones I do have are people who have been there since high school. People I didn’t meet personally, but was introduced to through old friends. I don’t really make friends on my own. People see me, my average face, average body, lack of proper social skills, and they assume I’m aloof, cold. They don’t want to be my friend, they think I’m boring or rude.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
The most important thing I learned on Tralfamadore was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist. The Tralfamadorians can look at all the different moments just that way we can look at a stretch of the Rocky Mountains, for instance. They can see how permanent all the moments are, and they can look at any moment that interests them. It is just an illusion we have here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone it is gone forever.
